Helping children build inner strength to cope with the ‘ups and downs’ of growing up is one of the best things parents can do.
In a time when we are faced with increasing uncertainty about the future, parents feel a greater sense of responsibility to protect their children from harm and provide extra support.
Many things are beyond our control, but parents have the opportunity to influence and shape children’s lives. Helping children to develop the confidence and skills to face, overcome or even be strengthened by hardship is a powerful thing to teach them.
Researchers have looked at what helps some people to manage difficult times when others don’t cope well. This Parent Easy Guide looks at the things that can be stressful for children, because the first step towards coping is to try to protect children from major stresses where possible. It also looks at the things that we know will help build all children’s strengths – whether they have big stresses or not.
What is resilience?
Resilience is a word that is being used more often to describe people, e.g. a resilient child.
Resilience is really about the ability of a person to cope with living in spite of stresses. The idea of resilience is to move away from just trying to cope with problems to building strengths that protect and promote well-being. If children have a lot of adverse things happening in their lives there will always be some effect on their well-being, but we now know much more about the things that will help protect them.
In any group of children who have been faced with big challenges or problems in their lives, there are some who grow up able to cope with living and caring for themselves and others who have long term difficulties.
We cannot always prevent things going wrong for our children, but we can help them build strengths so that they are more able to successfully face challenges and setbacks. (Some people not only face and overcome a difficult situation, they can even be strengthened by it).
What children need to build resilience?
Resilience is built on three main building blocks.
I CAN..make a difference
I AM…a worthwhile person
I HAVE…people around I trust and who love and support me
Some of the things that children need:
Some things that are stressful for children
Here are some of the bigger life events that are stressful.
What parents can do
Help children feel they are loved and belong
One of the most important things is a sense of belonging. The first year especially is so important. From the start babies need to know that someone or some people really care and will always be there for them.
These people can be mother and/or father, a grandparent or another reliable person who cares for them a lot. Becoming attached to another person besides the parent does not mean that children will be less attached to their parents. In fact it is the opposite. When children learn to belong in this way it gives them the ability to make attachments, trust others and be able to form relationships with other people in their life.
If parents are sick or not available for some reason, having someone else is very important for a child’s healthy development.
Comforters such as dummies, blankets or special toys can help young children to cope with the stresses in the early years. They need them most in new situations or separations from parents, such as bedtime or when they go to childcare. Usually they are ready to give them up by the time they are three or four, but not always. (If your child needs a comforter a lot of the time when he is at school there may be something else going on in his life that is worrying him.)
Support your child’s self-esteem
Children need to feel good about themselves. They learn self-esteem from birth, even before they know who they are. They learn it because someone is there for them and comes when they cry, comforts them when they are lonely and responds to their little noises.
When a baby makes little noises and a parent copies and makes the noises back, it says to the baby that she has been heard and noticed. All this helps to develop her self-esteem. In childhood and adolescence, children need to know that they are loved because of who they are (not just when they have done something that pleases the parent). They need to feel they have a place in the family – and that they will be missed if they are away and they have a part in what needs to be done, eg family chores.
They need you to:
Build your child’s self control
Children need to develop a sense of being able to manage things for themselves as they grow up. They can start learning this from babyhood. There are lots of ways that you can teach them this kind of confidence.
Protect your child from adult problems
If you’re having troubles with your child’s other parent make an effort to keep your child out of what is adults’ business.
Help your child to see it is not her fault (children often believe it is). She also needs to know that whatever happens somebody will be there for her. You might want to find another caring adult such as a grandparent to support her while you are feeling very stressed.
Find outside support for your child
Children often do better when life gets difficult if they have some support from people apart from their parents. This person or people could be a grandparent, relative, family friend or teacher. As children get older their own close friends can provide some of this support.
Get support for yourself
Sometimes things go wrong between parents and children. Parents and babies can have a tough start to life for all sorts of reasons. It is important to try to get things sorted out whatever your child’s age. This may mean you need to get support from a professional who has special skills in this area. The effort put in early will pay off in the long run.
Belong to a spiritual community
This can provide support, friendship, meaning and purpose to life.
Have family rituals to celebrate events and daily routines
The little special things that you do every day and on special occasions help build a sense of inner security. The family routines and rituals are powerful organisers of family life that offer stability in times of stress or when families are in trouble.
Special rituals are about how you celebrate special occasions, e.g. birthdays, name days, family reunions, Christmas. These can include the day your child was adopted, started school or got a job, or your family became a step-family.
Daily routines can be, for example:
Children should feel loved and lovable, be respectful and responsible and know to whom they can turn in times of need.
Children should see mistakes as a basis for learning – too much protection from disappointment and failure may not give children the chance to learn how to deal with their mistakes or difficult situations.
Reprinted with kind permission from Parenting SA
Want more information? Go to www.parenting.sa.gov.au
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